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1/1 s k i n
my nye resolution was to keep up a journal bc honestly i just need the therapy lol
my life has been a weird mess right now. i was broken up with like a week before christmas and now this giant shit show of a situation shits on my lap. basically, his mom was pushing him to move so while we were dating i find a place for him to live in my town. so he moved here and all of my friends become his friends, etc.
but now we're not together, but my life is still going to be shared with him. it's just fucked up. he's not really good at making friends and his reasons for breaking up were valid. my friends all agree i deserve better, and i think that's the saddest and most humiliating part. that everyone thought he was a jackass and it was some open secret i wasn't aware of. it feels humiliating. i feel like some sort of circus animal, especially because people do wanna be his friend but arent going to if i can't take that initiative, which i'm thankful for.
but, he still seems to be struggling and it's scaring me. last night my friend and him went to sf for nye because he's been doing v terrible since he broke up w me emotionally, but he ended up getting into a fight and getting his phone jacked. my friend said she probably will hang out w him less bc his decisions werent the best. and it concerns me that he put my friend in that position.
but worst of all. i still kinda wanna be with him. even if i was treated like dirt and an afterthought in comparison to every other aspect of my life that he appreciated. i hate how i deserve better also links into the fact that he doesn't think he can be into guys romantically. even after finding him a new place to live/getting him friends/basically fixing his fucking life. i just feel so worthless, like i wasn't good enough but all the things i brought him were. i think i shouldve broken up with him with his first tantrum. the first time he said i deserved better. when someone tells you who they are fucking believe them.
else you just end up like me; the chew toy for a sociopath.
on the other hand, my new years went okay. i had fun with my friends, but i stayed up waaaay too late chasing the d of someone else to try and fill the void. instead i only made myself more aware of it. twice. i'd say or end this entry with fuck, but thats kinda why the void still feels there in the first place. :x
lol this isnt even getting into school/graduation/whatever... i have THIS on my mind rn and it just wont fuckin leave.
my life has been a weird mess right now. i was broken up with like a week before christmas and now this giant shit show of a situation shits on my lap. basically, his mom was pushing him to move so while we were dating i find a place for him to live in my town. so he moved here and all of my friends become his friends, etc.
but now we're not together, but my life is still going to be shared with him. it's just fucked up. he's not really good at making friends and his reasons for breaking up were valid. my friends all agree i deserve better, and i think that's the saddest and most humiliating part. that everyone thought he was a jackass and it was some open secret i wasn't aware of. it feels humiliating. i feel like some sort of circus animal, especially because people do wanna be his friend but arent going to if i can't take that initiative, which i'm thankful for.
but, he still seems to be struggling and it's scaring me. last night my friend and him went to sf for nye because he's been doing v terrible since he broke up w me emotionally, but he ended up getting into a fight and getting his phone jacked. my friend said she probably will hang out w him less bc his decisions werent the best. and it concerns me that he put my friend in that position.
but worst of all. i still kinda wanna be with him. even if i was treated like dirt and an afterthought in comparison to every other aspect of my life that he appreciated. i hate how i deserve better also links into the fact that he doesn't think he can be into guys romantically. even after finding him a new place to live/getting him friends/basically fixing his fucking life. i just feel so worthless, like i wasn't good enough but all the things i brought him were. i think i shouldve broken up with him with his first tantrum. the first time he said i deserved better. when someone tells you who they are fucking believe them.
else you just end up like me; the chew toy for a sociopath.
on the other hand, my new years went okay. i had fun with my friends, but i stayed up waaaay too late chasing the d of someone else to try and fill the void. instead i only made myself more aware of it. twice. i'd say or end this entry with fuck, but thats kinda why the void still feels there in the first place. :x
lol this isnt even getting into school/graduation/whatever... i have THIS on my mind rn and it just wont fuckin leave.